As I am on this long healing journey, I am just taking it one day at a time. Some days, the pain ebbs away and I feel free from the chains. Other days it feels like the pain is weighing me down to where I can’t even get out of bed. The self-blame is more than I can even begin to bear.
Looking back to when I was 13, I can’t help but blame myself. However, I do not believe in blaming the victim. So, I try to remind myself that I was a child who was manipulated by someone I trusted. Then, I blame myself for trusting them. The cycle continues on until I just end up blaming myself to the point that I don’t even realize I am actually still pointing the finger at me. The saying that when you point your finger at someone and there are three pointing back at me does not apply to rape. I find myself questioning the decisions I made to trust this man without so much as a thought of the consequences. I always come up with the same answer, I was a child in his care. I didn’t know any better.
When I finally decided to take a stand and say I would not stand by to see him hurt another; like me, I stood alone. My family turned their backs on me and support him. The people who were suppose to stand by me no matter what threw me aside for him. I don’t think I will ever understand it.
However, the good part of all of this painful heartache is that I am slowly getting better. God gave me a wonderful husband and a loving family. He gave me friends that are so patient and understanding. God said that if our mother and fathers forsake us, He will lift us up. I am clinging to that promise. I am so thankful for the network for friends and family that I have now. I believe that having a support system is vital to healing.
As I am learning to deal with the pain through writing, I want to share my healing and pain with others who may be facing the same thing I am. I want others who hurt like me to know that it can get better. God heals though sometimes it hurts to be healed, it is what is best. In the end, we will be the ones standing closest to Him because we know the power of His Grace from Him healing us from pain. For now, we must walk the Earth and learn to cope. Then reach out to others and help them out of the ashes of pain. Only when reaching out can survivors be able to heal.