This past weekend, I went to Florida to attend a GYC Conference. There I attended a Seminar about homosexuality and God. It also talked about abuse, being bullied, and self- hatred. All of which were things I know a lot about. Sitting and listening to testimonies about people who had been raped and abused was so painful for me. It was like digging a bullet out of a wound. I had panic attacks, but I have learned how to handle them. I had flashbacks that were terrible, but I pressed on. I had felt that God had something for me, but I just had to fight for it.
On Friday, I had a major breakthrough. The speaker was talking about blaming God for the abuse he faced. One speaker read from a love letter from God. I started crying so hard because I did blame God. I blamed Him for abandoning me. I blamed Him for being all powerful. I blamed Him for lying to me. I blamed Him for having a plan for me that let me be raped. I blamed God for something that He allowed someone to have free will over.
Then, I realized something so profound. God was just as heartbroken as I am about what happened to me. He cried with me over the hundreds of times I was molested and raped. He cried with me as I felt that He had rejected me. God was even more angry than I was about the abuse and rejection I faced. He knew exactly how I felt all these years.
As the tears ran down my face, the pain I felt was so overwhelming that I just walked out when the seminar was over. I didn’t talk to anyone. I made a beeline for my hotel room. I texted my husband that I needed him to drop what he was doing and come talk to me. I never made it to the hotel room. We met on the sidewalk and I started sobbing. I told him of how I was angry at God and I didn’t want to be. I told my husband of the pain that was so deep inside me that I couldn’t even speak.
I said, “God did have a beautiful plan for me and He never meant for me to be abused, raped, and rejected by my family. He never wanted me to know the pain of my family leaving me. He never wanted me to know the pain of depression and PTSD. He only wanted me to know happiness and love.”
As we continued to talk, I began to stop articulating my pain. The pain was washing over me in waves. All of the tears I had held back for twelve years were gushing forward. I was literately crushed under it all. My husband started praying and I was sobbing so hard that people on the street were stopping to ask each other if I was OK. The older ones could see exactly what was happening and said a prayer and they kept walking. My husband prayed that my heart would speak for its self because every time I tried to talk, the tears just stopped me.
As I sat there crying, it felt like my heart was finally telling God about my pain. It felt like an abscess that had just been drained. It was so painful, but felt wonderful at the same time. I realized in that moment the lethal potency of sin. I couldn’t even begin to comprehend the pain it caused God to see me struggling under the weight of this. He had been working on my heart to give it up to Him.
So, I felt so much better after crying to God about the pain and anguish in my heart. I went on Outreach and had a huge God moment. My sister-in-law and I had a wonderful bonding experience that lead to me learning so much about what it means to have a loving family. As we had our crying session that all girls bond over, I came to understand what a true family is. A true family lifts each other up to God when they are struggling. The knowledge of this still sweeps over me and offers peace. I lost my one family to ridicule and rejection, but God gave me a family that supports and protects.