I refuse to run from the truth anymore

In my home, my adopted mom’s word was law.  No one crossed her.  Maybe my dad just felt that since he was disabled, she could keep up with us.  He often was know to have said that he couldn’t deal with us because his nerves were bad.  There were a few times that my dad did stand up to my mom, but mostly he let her have her way.

When my mom decided that it was time to have the talk, my dad of course let her have the room. She would take us into the bedroom and practice what to do on dates that never happened. I never even thought something was up with that until later.

After an emotional visit with my therapist, I asked if she had a teddy bear.  She was confused and said that she didn’t.  However, she did have a stuffed dog.  In my heart, I knew what my therapist would say. 

“I am so sorry little doggie, but there is something I need to know.” I pet the dog. 

“My mom would frequently take us into her room to practiced and learn what to do on dates.  Sometimes she would touch my inner thigh and ask what would I do if a boy touched me like that.  Multiple times when my breasts were going, she would check their progress or rub them.  More often, she when my top showed the least amount of cleavage, she would pull the neckline out so she could look at my breasts.” By the end, my voice was more of a whisper as tears flowed downed my face.  I knew in my heart I knew what had happened. 

My therapist proceeded to tell me that I had been molested by my adopted mom.  I was crushed.  Not only did she put me in a position to be molested and raped by a man, she was also molesting me too.  It finally made sense why she didn’t want me to tell, everyone would know her secret.

To be honest, I don’t have a flowery story of how I can forgive her for what she did to me, but I can say this: I refuse to back down.  I am no longer going to carry the burden of secrecy any longer.  Speaking out is so freeing.  It takes away the power they held over me.    Speaking out also takes away the pain because I realize that I am stronger for speaking out.   

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8 Comments

  1. I cannot express how proud I am of you and how sick that it worked out so terribly for you and possibly the rest of the kids. I wish I could whisk them out of there now, but I cannot. I am not even in a financial position to fully support myself yet.

    Although I am curious as to what they said about me and the reason they adopted you guys. I am also so glad I am so far away, the protective mode would kick in if I wasn’t. Like you I do not back down anymore, no more NEVER again.

    His bad nerves — try having 5 energetic kids playing, running, being loud, fighting, all at the same time. I used to get worked up and I couldn’t even say your names I would point and say YOU come here, YOU go to your room, lol. I was frazzled lol but I love being a mother and I do hope that love is still felt by you all even though the foster parents did what they did.

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  2. They told us that you didn’t want us. That you were so happy to start a life with out us kids as baggage. Which I took with a grain of salt, but the other ate it up. Noah even begin imagining things about you and he was only 11 months old when we were put in foster care. That goes to show how brainwashed we were.

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    • I became the ‘crazy cat lady’ after I lost you. I ALWAYS kept 1 cat for each child. Even right this minute I have 5 cats. One for each child. I have spoiled the cats because I couldn’t spoil you kids. I had holiday cards, birthday cards with gift cards inside for ALL of you. I never once missed buying a card for each of you every birthday, every Christmas, every Easter. Unfortunately when I left your father he destroyed everything. I comforted myself knowing you were all together and I thought were with good people. I cannot change what each of you went through BUT I can be here now. Together we can reconnect and begin the true healing.

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