Sometimes people don’t understand how much it hurts inside. How it feels like to drown in the sea of pain. How it feels to be pushed under by the wave of depression and how it feels to feel like the sadness and anger is crushing my next breath out of me.
Why can’t I just drown and let it be? Why do I have to keep fighting to live? Why does every time I smile feel fake? Why can’t I cry?
Depression isn’t about being negative. It is about being so angry on the inside that it makes you sad. I am not an angry person, but this is how I am for right now. I hate feeling this pain inside me that makes me want to cry and scream at the same time.
Oh, but scream I do. Scream I have. Every day through high school I screamed the scream so loud that no one heard. I screamed so loud through my heart that it was drowned out by my laugh. A laugh that didn’t reach my screaming heart.
So, I just keep drowning. Waiting for a life preserver. I keep riding the waves hearing that it has to get worse before it gets better. Just when does it start getting better? Others think that I should be getting better. Why are you still sad? Well, I don’t know, why didn’t you listen the first time I told you? It isn’t something you get over in a day or a month or a year. It takes a lifetime and believe you me, healing hurts.
It is like an infection that just started healing and it itches like crazy. You can’t scratch it because you will just make it bleed, but it is an infuriating, burning itch that won’t go away. It is constantly there reminding you that the infection is leaving. That is what healing is. It isn’t about being positive, because being positive through the hurt I am dealing with takes a lot of energy that I don’t have.
There are days that I feel like I am getting better, but I get knocked down again. Sometimes, I want to cut myself, but I don’t. I know it doesn’t help.
Then I ask myself, why do I let them do this to me? They don’t care about this, but I do. I care. That is why it hurts so much. I feel the pain deep down into my core that somehow it has become part of me. I don’t want to hurt, maybe it is time for an amputation of the hurt. I feel things too much, but there is a plan for it.
I feel like being abused, raped, and rejected has given me an amazing testimony. One of how I never gave up on God, but still blamed Him yet learned of that mistake. One of how my faith grew so much and how God will one day take the sadness and pain away. One of how justice was served after so many were hurt by this man. One of how when people come together, just how much it can help someone. For healing, you must have a support group that stands by you no matter what. I am like the caterpillar in the cocoon. It is painful for it to be a butterfly, but it doesn’t stop the caterpillar. When it breaks out, it is beautiful and confident. I know that is God’s plan for me, it just takes time.