Guilt does a job on each one of us.

It has only been recent that I ever admitted to feeling guilt over what happened to me.  Guilt that i kept it secret.  Guilt because there was “Just something about me” that attracted him.  Guilt for keeping the secret.  Guilt because by keeping the secret it means I am helping him in the long run.

I know I was underage and not responsible for what happened, but if I had done something…..I don’t even want to have these thoughts, but I think it is healthy to question it.  At least to question it to a point.

I never even felt guilty about it.  Once I realized the magnitude of keeping silent, I felt the guilt wash over me.  I used the regular excuses like: I am a victim, I have no control over him, and I was made silent.  Well, no one is making me keep it silent now.  I can’t ‘help’ him hurt others.

According to the law, victims do not have to report rape to the law.  They are not obligated to do it unless they want to.  It has been 3 and half years since my attack and I am finally feeling ready to make a report.  The thought of him being a Sunday School teacher and hurting other kids just makes me sick.  I think I feel guilt knowing the pain it caused me could happen to another.  I can’t live with myself if he hurt another.

So, does anyone who reads this ever wish they had press charges?  Or does anyone who did press charges regret it?  To be honest, I keep saying one thing and thing change my mind.  Like I said earlier, it is the victim’s decision.

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9 Comments

  1. it is your decision – something to be respected – I reported my narc’ abuse to the police and although I stopped them visiting the narc’ they were very good and supportive – it gave me strength – these people – that happened to you – they rely on people not saying… look at all that is in the news about Jimmy Savile – there is soon to be a report that will expose massive institutional complicity – knowing this I would find someone you trust to come with you for support and make the report…

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  2. With the first rape that happened in my life, I’m still not sure. I struggle to forgive myself for having gotten so drunk that night and leaving with the men. Even had I pressed charges in that case, I’m not so sure it would have helped me move-on. However, the second rape that occurred a few months later, yes, definitely, I wish I had pressed charges. I often wish that I had, at the very least, told someone and wish that there was no statute of limitations on rape cases. Good luck in making your decision.

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  3. Yes! I just blogged about my own sexual assault last week and I wish every day I would have turned him in. But in reality….it wouldn’t have taken my own shame away. That was something I had to work through on my own and I’m finally to a place where I can say, “I’m not at fault!”

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  4. I think anyone who goes through this and doesn’t report it would wonder one day or another. I’ve blogged about what happened to me a lot, and I told some friends finally. But it’s been 4 years and I still don’t think I could gather the courage to report it. But when I was finally able to feel anger, yes, it crossed my mind. When I realized from pieced memories that he could have planned this, I did wonder if he’s done it before, or whether he did that again to someone after me. But I was on another continent when it happened. I don’t even know his last name. So I try to believe that I was the only one and hope that it’s enough. And if I’m wrong I hope one day he gets punished for it. But the best I can do for me now is to find a way to keep living. I understand your dilemma though. It’s a big decision. Good luck

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