Looking at me, one wouldn’t know of the pain I have had in my life. I usually have a big smile. I could be heard talking about the latest animal fact that I have learned.
My coping mechanism when I was a kid was to suppress it. Might as well since everything else was covered up. I drowned my feelings in reading. I loved to daydream that one day some one would come save me. Better yet, I dreamt that one day he would be called from the pulpit at church like the preacher did some people. That never happened.
As I grew up, I learned to allow myself to go numb at the mention of him and the thought of what he did to me. I couldn’t even think about what my mom had done. Both of the people whom I trusted abused that trust and used me. I reverted deep inside of myself and closed off.
Moving 1000 miles away, everything came crashing down on me. I couldn’t hide it any longer. The denial that my family was holding too wasn’t going to work for me. I couldn’t bear the pain and anger anymore.
A lot of people think that I am sad. I was. I really was sad, but lately I am very angry. I want to take a sledge hammer to a car. I want to go to a shooting range. I want to punch something. However, I just allow myself to feel anger.
Tonight, I started laughing much like when Gisele gets mad for the first time in Enchanted. I reacted that scene with my husband. I realized that anger is good to feel. I was allowed to be ticked off that someone I loved and trusted used me.
Well, technically, 4 people who claimed to love me and protect me all used me. Him for his own gain, my mom for her sick pleasures, my dad to keep my quiet, and his wife to not embarrass her. Well, I guess you know now that I am not going to keep quiet.
I recently realized that by keeping quiet about what they did to me, I am helping them continue their evil way. I am helping them inadvertently hurt other kids. I am helping that man hurt other kids. I can’t have that on my conscience. I refuse to be an accomplice.
I just came to a point where I had to say that I have to save that little girl that is crying herself to sleep begging for someone to help her. I have to be the one that steps forward and cries out against the wrong so that he won’t do it again. I will not stand silently knowing what he is doing. If I stand alone, so be it, I have truth on my side.