Hiding it isn’t as easy as one might think, but neither is coming forward

Looking at me, one wouldn’t know of the pain I have had in my life.  I usually have a big smile.  I could be heard talking about the latest animal fact that I have learned.

My coping mechanism when I was a kid was to suppress it.  Might as well since everything else was covered up.  I drowned my feelings in reading.  I loved to daydream that one day some one would come save me.  Better yet, I dreamt that one day he would be called from the pulpit at church like the preacher did some people.  That never happened.

As I grew up, I learned to allow myself to go numb at the mention of him and the thought of what he did to me.  I couldn’t even think about what my mom had done.  Both of the people whom I trusted abused that trust and used me. I reverted deep inside of myself and closed off.

Moving 1000 miles away, everything came crashing down on me.  I couldn’t hide it any longer.  The denial that my family was holding too wasn’t going to work for me.  I couldn’t bear the pain and anger anymore.

A lot of people think that I am sad.  I was.  I really was sad, but lately I am very angry.  I want to take a sledge hammer to a car.  I want to go to a shooting range.  I want to punch something.  However, I just allow myself to feel anger.

Tonight, I started laughing much like when Gisele gets mad for the first time in Enchanted.  I reacted that scene with my husband.  I realized that anger is good to feel.  I was allowed to be ticked off that someone I loved and trusted used me.

Well, technically, 4 people who claimed to love me and protect me all used me.  Him for his own gain, my mom for her sick pleasures, my dad to keep my quiet, and his wife to not embarrass her.  Well, I guess you know now that I am not going to keep quiet.

I recently realized that by keeping quiet about what they did to me, I am helping them continue their evil way.  I am helping them inadvertently hurt other kids.  I am helping that man hurt other kids.  I can’t have that on my conscience.  I refuse to be an accomplice. 

I  just came to a point where I had to say that I have to save that little girl that is crying herself to sleep begging for someone to help her.  I have to be the one that steps forward and cries out against the wrong so that he won’t do it again.  I will not stand silently knowing what he is doing.  If I stand alone, so be it, I have truth on my side. 

Advertisements

8 Comments

  1. If you didn’t already to this, I really hope, that you will go to the police and try to get all those abusers to jail for a very long time. They do not deserve the right to stay free and able to continue their abusing. Best thoughts for you.
    Irene

    Like

  2. Wishing only the best for you this morning. I’m sorry you’ve gone through so much trauma and such very dark times. I think you’re right though about breaking the silence. You can become a voice for those that don’t have one right now. So many lives could be changed in your deciding to bring out the truth. You can also then set yourself free and find a greater inner peace that you’ve never known. Sending love your way today.
    God bless,
    -Mandi

    Like

  3. What others do to you, you have no control over. What you do, you have complete control. Get mad! It feels good to get it out. Cry, this feels better. You love animals? Great. Go hug one. Focus on a starfish. When they lose a leg, they regenerate another one in its place. Sometimes they even grow two in the place of where the one was. You too can grow double for your trouble. I know you feel week at times. Me too. But you can stand strong and know that you are walking through this to be stronger and healthier and most definitely to be a help to others who are coming up behind you. If people hurt you in your past, let it be your past. Don’t let it define your future. Don’t let yourself be your worst abuser. Think about that one for awhile. By speaking out you are letting go. You were never meant to hold that heavy load. Thank you for your kind words to me. It is nice to have a friend who understands. Have a great day today. I’ll be praying for you. Meghan

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s