Healing from trauma is a lot like grieving a death. One must work through some of the same emotions as losing a close one. Grieving assault and abuse is as essential to healing as grieving a death.
For a year, I was in the depression stage. People around me would get annoyed because I was so sad. I think it is rude to act like someone who is depressed should just get over it. Those who have not experienced trauma do not know how it effects the way one thinks. The sadness I felt was kin to the sadness that people feel when someone dies. To me there were a lot of deaths: severance of my family, betrayal of a man I trusted, betrayal of my parents, rape (that in and of itself is hard enough).
Imagine if you will, back to a day when you were young and vulnerable. There comes a man into your life that you don’t like at first, but begin to slowly trust. He listens to all of your problems, teaches you how to play baseball, and he basically becomes like a father to you. Then just as you finally begin to feel safe around him, he abuses you. Then apologizes and a few weeks go by and he does it again. Then apologizes then a cycle has developed. The embarrassment you feel from what is happening controls every part of you. You try to find a way to bury the feeling. I turned to reading and school. Then when that person that you loved and trusted rapes you there is part of you that dies. It withers like a rose snipped and placed in a vase.
Sex is meant to be beautiful and lovely. Sex is something I waited most of my life for. Then it was snatched away like candy from a baby. Rape isn’t just forced sex, it is a violation of the deepest level. The thing that is so hard to accept is the manipulation.
After finding out that my uncle that raped me had raped others before me, I realized he had used them to perfect the ugliness he perpetrated on me. He had learned how to manipulate and trick me into trusting him. He knew how to use what I had learned at church to control me. He had learned just how to manipulate me.
Over the past few weeks, I have been stressing over the fact that he used the little things to manipulate me. He would buy me presents. He remembered my birthday, but not his wife’s. He invited me out places when no one else did. He would listen to me. The list goes on. All those things were leading up to the fateful day that changed my life.
It was all planned out. Probably not perfectly, but he had it all planned out. It hurts me so much to see that I just fell into his trap like fly into a flytrap. He lured me in and sank me with my own trust.
Then not only what he did, but my parents turning their backs on me and taking his side. How can you look at your 18 year old daughter who is crying and tell her to get over it? How can you act like something like this never happened? How can you let him keep hurting others? You know he will. He won’t stop especially now that he has my parents condoning him.
Yes, my father condones what this uncle of mine is doing. My father is agreeing with my rapist by not being a man and taking him down. What father would rather look into the eyes of the man that abuses/abused two of his daughters? I don’t know, but I think it is a pretty messed up it is a man that doesn’t want to go against his terrible wife. Any man like that isn’t really a man. Any man that will stand by knowingly and let abuse happen isn’t a good man. A good man will stand up for right no matter what.
So I am having to deal with the anger part of the grieving process. I don’t want to hear about thinking positive. People who have experienced trauma know that if you could think positive, you would. Who wants to think about awful things? I don’t want to hear that I should get out of the house. I don’t want to leave my house. I want to punch things and be mad. I was thinking of taking a kickboxing class.
To be honest, feeling angry is really nice. I hate how it feels, and how it makes me feel. My therapist says that it is normal to feel the way that I do. It is nice to know that how I feel is good. I am very angry that people that thought I was someone I could trust betrayed me when I had no where to turn.