Today while driving through a state park, I had a sobering thought. I was thinking of everything that had happened to me as I watched the bare trees pass by me. The feeling of sadness just made me quiet. I could feel myself sinking back into despair, but I refused to go back. I refused to drown in sadness.
Hours later after taking a nap and reading an email, I had this wonderful revelation about myself as I replied to an email. It was so wonderful I just started crying. I was so happy to finally see what I have been in therapy to see. I am copying what I wrote in the email that made me cry.
“My therapist has been helping me understand the depth of what happened to me. I was betrayed by all the adults in my life that claimed to love me. I was shunned by my family for being a victim of a serial rapist that they claim is a good man. The ‘good man’ that confessed to raping me to my parents. I lost so many parts of me because of them, but I am discovering something beautiful about myself. I think for the first time in my life, I am falling in love with me!!! I am learning that I don’t hate myself, I hate what happened to me. I hate what their actions made me think about myself. I thought I was worthless because my parents who chose me to be part of their family wouldn’t even protect me. However, I do have value. Using that value is going to be so wonderful.”
What I am discovering about myself is that I can be the one that reaches into the depths of ugliness and pull out other survivors. I can walk into the flame of things people run away from and carry out the hurt. I can be the person I prayed for when I was younger. I can use what was done to me to help others and to call out the abusers. I can use my experience to educate others. I can because I love people and want to help them.