I just watched the most recent SVU. It touched my heart so much. I just wish I had someone like Olivia in my life back then.
This week has been kind of hard for me. I don’t know why, but I guess it is part of the process. I don’t want to sink back in the black hole of despair. I can’t go back there. I won’t go back there.
I am just so angry that people who claimed to love me would treat me like his sex toy. Then toss me aside when I say it is wrong. I don’t understand their logic. They are all backwoods people who have backward cult ways.
One of the things that I am struggling with is the cause and effects. He touched me and raped me. So, I hated myself. I resented who I was as a person. I started harming my body with an eating disorder. I had no self worth or self love. I didn’t feel protected, because even though I said no it still happened. So why fight? Compliance is not consent. I am dealing with this in therapy, but it is just so sad to me that I didn’t even like myself because of the image of self I got from them. They made me feel like I was nothing. They made me think that I was worthless.
The terror I felt when a man I trusted, as my uncle, opened the bedroom door where I was sleeping still grips me today. I started sleeping lighter and would wake up to make sure I was actually alone. I was terrified of him and my parents. I felt like I didn’t have a way out. I didn’t know that I could get help. I didn’t even know how to ask for help.
When my parents told me drop what was being done and not say anything, I felt like they blamed me. Even when people say they don’t blame you, they still can. They say things like, “Don’t be around him.” How could I avoid him? Our houses were a good 100 yards away. All of us kids got together all the time. He was always around, the problem wasn’t me staying away from him. It was him staying away from me. No matter how far or how much I resented him, he would do what he wanted.
I know that it gets better. I know that. Just when? When will someone else speak out against him? Why have I lost my brothers and sisters because of him? Why am I being punished for what he did to me? I don’t know. One day, I will have the answers.