Defriending my rapist

Defriending my rapist

Could you forgive your rapist?  If you have forgiven your rapist or abuser or bully, please post tips about how you did it.

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15 Comments

  1. A friend of mine once told me to picture what kind of mind someone had to have had in order to do horrible things to people. It was then I saw them as human, just broken toys like the rest of us. I guess forgiveness just came easy after that.

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  2. Forgiveness is highly, highly over-rated. I understand the desire for it, I understand it is the end goal, the ultimate goal, and that’s all well and good, but it needs to be saved for the end of the process.
    The much larger danger is that it is just part of the power game, it is our rapists, our abusers, our authority figures who have convinced us we must get to forgiveness – and for them to teach that is a blatant conflict of interest.
    To my mind, forgiveness is a gratification we need to delay, even all the way to our deathbeds. I am fairly certain 98% of forgiveness is premature and false, and helps the perpetrators and prolongs the suffering of the victims.

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    • What I am having such a hard time dealing with is that he used forgiveness to control me. I was taught that when people hurt you and ask for forgiveness, you HAVE to forgive them. So every time he touched me, when he raped me, he repented and asked me to forgive him. How can I when I forgave him hundreds of times?
      A lot of people say that forgiveness is more for the forgiver than for the forgiven. It keeps the bitterness from eating up the forgiver.

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      • they say that, but they’re full of crap. Of course we need to forgive ourselves, that is important. But if I hear that you have let that bastard feel forgiven one more time after this conversation, I am personally coming to your house to leave a burning bag of dog crap on your porch.

        😉

        You’ve pretty much said yourself that you’ve thought you made it to forgiveness more than once and found out it was false, a trick your mind and heart played on you. I suspect you are going to be much, much older before the real thing is possible.

        I think it’s an “us or them” thing, an inverse proportion. Every bit of forgiveness they get from us, is some taken away from ourselves.

        This article was good too, none of the usual fluffy crap there either. You noticed that in the articles, right?

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      • I did notice that. I liked that about them. I don’t want to forgive any of them, but that goes against who I am. My husband tells me that I am so forgiving and to be holding on to this anger is so not me. It makes me feel bad, but I know it is all just a process. Everything is a process. I may not be able to come to the point that I can say it, but I just want to be able to let it go in my heart.

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  3. Yeah, I think we can separate those things, forgiving and not holding on to anger. I don’t advise living in anger, of course, but that is a separate issue, keeping the fact and the reality of it, and not always living in the emotional reaction to it. We need to find a way not to be eaten up by our feelings, but finding a way to believe that the thing that feels so bad is really not so bad, that is not the way. It really was so bad, but we can see that, admit it, decide it, and then even so, even when it was real and was so bad, that we have seen it decided about it and need to find some happy time anyway . . .

    I know I’m not saying it right . . .

    but anger, like all feelings, is involuntary. Feelings are emotions, reactions. They’re automatic, they aren’t things we decide to do, they are things that just happen to us. We can’t just choose what to feel. We either let them exist, acknowledge them, or we find a way to avoid or bury them – and mostly, forgiveness is only a way to bury them. Of course buried feelings are even less healthy than open ones . . .

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  4. I don’t know that I’ve been able to forgive my rapist. This is something I have thought long and hard about, being a Christian. The closest thing I have come to is trying to understand him. I know he came from an abusive and broken home and watched his father abuse his mother. I do not actively wish him harm, and that may be the closest to forgiveness that I can get. I pray that God forgives him, but I do not really know how to forgive him myself. Maybe someday?

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