This past week, I spent at my church camp meeting. I stayed, in what someone termed as a “Canvas house.” Basically, we all called them tents. I taught the kids Arts and Crafts, and Art Gallery. We had a blast.
I felt the tug of God wanting to talk to me. After I got done teaching, I would go back to my tent and read. I could feel God wanting to talk to me. The first book I read was Battered to Blessed, by Brenda Walsh (Here is a link on Amazon. http://www.amazon.com/Battered-Blessed-My-Personal-Journey/dp/0816320675) This woman’s story touched me so much. Her strength and faith was just so profound for me. What touched me the most was that her family stood up for her when she couldn’t. They were like a wall between her and her abusive husband. They were her champions when her husband wasn’t. It made me sad that my family couldn’t, well WOULDN’T, do that for me.
Still, I felt the Call of God to go deeper. So I read God was There by Martin Weber. (Here is a link on Amazon. http://www.amazon.com/God-Was-There-Martin-Weber/dp/0816323488/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1403547824&sr=8-1&keywords=God+was+there+by+martin+weber) I was touched by some of the stories about people who had been sexually abused and how they feel guilty after it. This man wrote of how he was used by God to teach them that the guilt wasn’t theirs. I cried as tears of guilt ran down my face. I prayed that God would help me let go of the guilt. It literately felt like a weight was gone.
I felt like God was calling me even CLOSER. So I read another book called, Let It Go, by Yvonne Rodney. (Here is the link: http://www.amazon.com/Let-It-Go-Story-Forgiveness/dp/0812704940/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1403548457&sr=8-2&keywords=Let+it+go+by+Yvonne) I am pretty sure it is fictional, but I could relate to each character. That book spoke to my heart so much.
Here is what I got from all of the time I prayed and spent time reading. I felt like God was telling me that instead of being bitter and wanting them to basically pay for what they did. He wanted me to pray for them. God was calling me to pray for my enemies, well, my family. So, I spent a whole day asking God if that was what He really wanted me to do. I was not happy. I didn’t want to pray for them. I didn’t feel like they were worthy of my prayers. However, God taught me a wonderful lesson.
God is a holy. God is a judge. HE says that He loves us so much that He will cover our sins with a robe of righteousness. I gritted my teeth because I didn’t feel like a family that would turn away from their kid, deserves forgiveness from God. However, God doesn’t want any of us to perish. Even the person that raped me, God is relentlessly calling them to confess their sins and repent.
This made me cry. I didn’t want God to forgive them. I wanted Him to take vengeance on them for me. Except, God is a God of love. God is a God of forgiveness. He wants to raise us up and dust us off and help us keep going. I am not trying to excuse what they did to me, even God says that we reap what we sow. However, I shouldn’t be concerned with how or when they pay. I should be concerned with praying for their souls. I should be praying that God will open their eyes to the path that they are on.
As I uttered the prayer, I felt like God was smiling down on me. I felt so peaceful and happy. I felt like the last of the chains they put on me had crumbled into dust. All I wanted to do was spend time praying and reading my bible to see what the next thing God wanted to talk to me about.
I know that some may find this weird, perhaps even crazy. This is my journey and I am trying to do as God tells me. He may tell you to do something else. I don’t know. All I know is that I made the right choice in following what I felt God told me to do.