“Rape may be as bad as murder, but, like murder, there are many kinds of rape. War-crime rape, date rape, rape as a ritual for pledging a fraternity, spousal rape, incest, rape with known assailants, rape with unknown assailants, police officers sodomizing a man with a broomstick. Rape contains multitudes. Any discussion of rape is going to require us as a culture to get much more imaginative about it. (Helpfully, the Justice Department just expanded its definition to include men.) Every time we discuss rape as if it’s only men dragging women into alleys, we make the act of reporting it all the more uncomfortable, burdensome and alienating for women being raped by their boyfriends, or students being raped by their teachers, or men being raped by women, or men being raped by men. It is an act of theft on top of an act of rape.”
My husband and I decided to get me a new Bible this past week. The one I was using now was one I got the same night I was first molested. My rapist would tell me stories and say to always have my bible with me when I was scared. That it would protect me. I lost faith because I brought my brand new Bible with me, in hopes I would be protected, but I wasn’t.
Through all the pain and suffering I had to face, I kept my love for God. I was confused and I was mad that God would make me go through this stuff. However, I had a grandfather who would sit me down and read me from the Bible. I had a grandfather that taught me the love of God.
I got a new Bible and can’t wait for my husband to write a message in me. It is purple, my favorite color. The first thing I read was Psalm 27. It is one of my favorite chapter of the Bible.
I got to the part where it said, “I would have lost heart, if I had not believed.” That just touched my heart so much. I connected with it. I am taking it as my anthem or life saying. I would have lost heart, if I had not believed.
This past week, I spent at my church camp meeting. I stayed, in what someone termed as a “Canvas house.” Basically, we all called them tents. I taught the kids Arts and Crafts, and Art Gallery. We had a blast.
I felt the tug of God wanting to talk to me. After I got done teaching, I would go back to my tent and read. I could feel God wanting to talk to me. The first book I read was Battered to Blessed, by Brenda Walsh (Here is a link on Amazon. http://www.amazon.com/Battered-Blessed-My-Personal-Journey/dp/0816320675) This woman’s story touched me so much. Her strength and faith was just so profound for me. What touched me the most was that her family stood up for her when she couldn’t. They were like a wall between her and her abusive husband. They were her champions when her husband wasn’t. It made me sad that my family couldn’t, well WOULDN’T, do that for me.
Still, I felt the Call of God to go deeper. So I read God was There by Martin Weber. (Here is a link on Amazon. http://www.amazon.com/God-Was-There-Martin-Weber/dp/0816323488/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1403547824&sr=8-1&keywords=God+was+there+by+martin+weber) I was touched by some of the stories about people who had been sexually abused and how they feel guilty after it. This man wrote of how he was used by God to teach them that the guilt wasn’t theirs. I cried as tears of guilt ran down my face. I prayed that God would help me let go of the guilt. It literately felt like a weight was gone.
I felt like God was calling me even CLOSER. So I read another book called, Let It Go, by Yvonne Rodney. (Here is the link: http://www.amazon.com/Let-It-Go-Story-Forgiveness/dp/0812704940/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1403548457&sr=8-2&keywords=Let+it+go+by+Yvonne) I am pretty sure it is fictional, but I could relate to each character. That book spoke to my heart so much.
Here is what I got from all of the time I prayed and spent time reading. I felt like God was telling me that instead of being bitter and wanting them to basically pay for what they did. He wanted me to pray for them. God was calling me to pray for my enemies, well, my family. So, I spent a whole day asking God if that was what He really wanted me to do. I was not happy. I didn’t want to pray for them. I didn’t feel like they were worthy of my prayers. However, God taught me a wonderful lesson.
God is a holy. God is a judge. HE says that He loves us so much that He will cover our sins with a robe of righteousness. I gritted my teeth because I didn’t feel like a family that would turn away from their kid, deserves forgiveness from God. However, God doesn’t want any of us to perish. Even the person that raped me, God is relentlessly calling them to confess their sins and repent.
This made me cry. I didn’t want God to forgive them. I wanted Him to take vengeance on them for me. Except, God is a God of love. God is a God of forgiveness. He wants to raise us up and dust us off and help us keep going. I am not trying to excuse what they did to me, even God says that we reap what we sow. However, I shouldn’t be concerned with how or when they pay. I should be concerned with praying for their souls. I should be praying that God will open their eyes to the path that they are on.
As I uttered the prayer, I felt like God was smiling down on me. I felt so peaceful and happy. I felt like the last of the chains they put on me had crumbled into dust. All I wanted to do was spend time praying and reading my bible to see what the next thing God wanted to talk to me about.
I know that some may find this weird, perhaps even crazy. This is my journey and I am trying to do as God tells me. He may tell you to do something else. I don’t know. All I know is that I made the right choice in following what I felt God told me to do.
In therapy, we talked about all the things I ‘lost’ as a result of the abuse I faced. A lot of the things were really emotional, but I had to do it to make it better. So, for the next little while. I will be using things that I have lost to show what I have gained by what God has given me.
- Hope in family
- Hope in love
- Faith in Family
- Meaning of a true relationship
- Self- confidence
- Self- Love
- Faith in relationships
- My family
What God says about what I lost:
John 14:6 – Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.
12 In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence
“There will always be someone willing to hurt you, put you down, gossip about you, belittle your accomplishments and judge your soul. It is a fact that we all must face. However, if you realize that God is a best friend that stands beside you when others cast stones you will never be afraid, never feel worthless and never feel alone.”
― Shannon L. Alder
I love this so much. It speaks to my heart on so many levels.
“You are not what others think you are. You are what God knows you are.”
― Shannon L. Alder