What I have been up to lately

I took a visit to see someone I considered my mom.  I got to meet her husband and I started calling him dad before the weekend was over.  We talked about my future and my going back to school. 

I decided I wanted to start studying family studies.  I think with my background that I would do great in family studies.  I don’t necessarily want to be a social worker, but I do want to help people.  I am really excited at the opportunities that I have for my future and that I will be able to help a lot of people.  

Currently, I am just researching different online schools.  I have a few picked out and am talking to them.  

I am looking at getting a job at an after school program with kids.  I am very excited about it too. I go next week for an interview. 

I am so thankful that I have parents in my life that are supportive of my dreams and as excited about my future as I am.  I am so thankful that I have a husband that loves me and wants me to be happy.  I feel like things are looking up for me. 

“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.” 
― Ernest Hemingway

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” 
― Maya Angelou, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings

I’m going to be true to what I want to do, because if I care what people think about me, I’m a puppet. Which I have been in my life. And you can’t live life that way, man!

Donny Osmond

 

Nobody gets to live life backward. Look ahead, that is where your future lies.

Ann Landers

Why survivors need each other

http://www.rolereboot.org/life/details/2014-07-survivors-need/

 

Blamed

So, my adoptive grandmother died and no one told me.  Surprise.  When I asked an old friend why no one told me, she said, “I dunno as far as I know you quit making contact. They probably figured you didn’t want to know..I’m sorry girl.” I will admit I went off on her.  I know that none of this is her fault.  I am truly sorry that I lost my cool with someone I love as much as her. 

Just hearing her say that I quit making contact, burnt me up.  Here I am, I have tried to reach out to them.  I have written to them on my blog.  I have texted my sister on different occasions. Today, being one of those occasions. I have records of where I have tried to IM chat with them.  I have posted an email address on here for them to use. They have never once tried to take initiative to talk to me.  

I don’t know why they blame me for not wanting to talk to them.  They are the ones that treated me so badly.  They  are the ones that didn’t think it was child abuse to whip me until I bled.  They are the ones that tried to break my marriage up. ( I haven’t even gotten to that part of what happened.) They are the ones that didn’t want to come to my wedding reception because they didn’t ‘plan’ it. They are the ones that don’t want to see me happy and living life. They just want to blame me for ALL their problems.

Maybe it is my fault, maybe all this bad stuff that is happening to the is all the seeds they planted when I was their. Maybe all the bad seeds have grown into rotten plants that they have to harvest now.  My Ma always told me that you reap what you sow. Perhaps it is just their time to reap. 

 

Why being sexually assaulted is not a privilege.

http://mediamatters.org/video/2014/07/02/sexual-assault-survivor-lisa-sendrow-explains-t/199966

http://www.washingtonpost.com/posteverything/wp/2014/07/01/my-own-rape-shows-how-badly-we-stereotype-perps-and-victims/?tid=sm_fb

“Rape may be as bad as murder, but, like murder, there are many kinds of rape. War-crime rape, date rape, rape as a ritual for pledging a fraternity, spousal rape, incest, rape with known assailants, rape with unknown assailants, police officers sodomizing a man with a broomstick. Rape contains multitudes. Any discussion of rape is going to require us as a culture to get much more imaginative about it. (Helpfully, the Justice Department just expanded its definition to include men.) Every time we discuss rape as if it’s only men dragging women into alleys, we make the act of reporting it all the more uncomfortable, burdensome and alienating for women being raped by their boyfriends, or students being raped by their teachers, or men being raped by women, or men being raped by men. It is an act of theft on top of an act of rape.”

I would have lost heart….

My husband and I decided to get me a new Bible this past week.  The one I was using now was one I got the same night I was first molested.  My rapist would tell me stories and say to always have my bible with me when I was scared.  That it would protect me.  I lost faith because I brought my brand new Bible with me, in hopes I would be protected, but I wasn’t.

Through all the pain and suffering I had to face, I kept my love for God.  I was confused and I was mad that God would make me go through this stuff.  However, I had a grandfather who would sit me down and read me from the Bible.  I had a grandfather that taught me the love of God.

I got a new Bible and can’t wait for my husband to write a message in me. It is purple, my favorite color.  The first thing I read was Psalm 27.  It is one of my favorite chapter of the Bible.

I got to the part where it said, “I would have lost heart, if I had not believed.” That just touched my heart so much.  I connected with it.  I am taking it as my anthem or life saying.  I would have lost heart, if I had not believed.